The ‘Girl’ I
You see, I believe that my life is full of wonderous and mystical meanings. Not only my academic side, but also the little love life that I had known to make my life change,- all dimensions one could possibly imagine.
The truth is, I have never fallen completely in love. I do not trust love. Love does not exist in life. I dont believe shits about friendship and relations, because to me, it does not define youself. Suffering, sacrifices and hardship is what I see in my life. Little that I know that all these thoughts were about to change.Yet, I still have this little feeling in me not trusting any thoughts of love and friendship.
You see, to a girl, I understand that, they see, love and friends are two different things. To love some one, is yet not to be friend-ed and, to be friend-ed it is not love. You see these complexities of friend vs. love and all, it made people who don't trust love love like me, confused. A lot.
My innocent thought were, you built your love on someone based on first sight or, friends turn into lovers. I respect people who built up their love on first sight. Without knowing, who they are, were, and what in the future they set up a premise in their thoughts that everythings is going to be alright. and, friends turning to lovers, wah that was my case !!
I like this girl from sekolah menengah. You see I first though that may be I can find a good girlfriend to be friend and then may be later on 'soul mates'. I was the jiwang type (Noticed; was) . And I really wanted to have a girlfriend at that time. I was alone and most of the time, relied too much to myself. I was in need of a friend who could see my loneliness.
So I met this girl Nadiah, her name was. At first I really wanted to get her phone number, but you see the problem was she was with this guy Shah. Shah Hasanul Manzar. A good friend of mine. You see, shah and me, have the same interest, musics, ideas, and on.. And to my surprised we also like the same girl. I know that, Shah and Nad had been friends longer than I know. I was thinking ways how to win the heart of this girl. She was mature, open-minded and all the good qualities that I'm looking for, for a girlfriend.
Then Shah somehow gave me her phone number.
Yet through out my form 1, life was very quiet. I didn't like talking, because people are different. (I got back from England and all alone I ventured in this sekolah menengah life)
Form 2, things with Shah were bad. I still remember that Nad gave back everything that Shah had given her presents. The little teddy bear, the cards, shah told me. Really, Shah was wanting this girl. I was waiting the time for Shah to let go. I really dont care about what other people were thinking, the hell with them. People was ejeking me and one.. who cares.
You see, my life was complicated this guy, Mahiri who thought that I was liking, her girlfriend, whats her name., Shida. Those were very bad times. Mahiri was angry with me.. Shah was breaking up with Nad and Shah was moving away earlier that year. Nad was moving school.
And then on, I realised that Nad was moving away to Maahad. So before she moved I tried calling her. It was scary.. I was shivering at first just to call her. I remember that, I really dont want her mother to pick up the phone.. hehe.. I was wishing that please pick up the phone Nad. So you see, I started to call her almost every week.. And I'm not lying.. Every Saturdays, Sundays or Friday evenings. Its like heaven to be able to talk with her. I know that she knows my intentions. My intention was making her my girlfriend, and I tried very very hard.
So I would call her up. Talking self-fishly about my self. I was good you know. I was good. I cant remember the things we've talked about. So many things. From what in life, who , why , ape khabar.. and on and on.. for like sometimes two hours minimum. I know the song invisible man by heart. "You could be talking on the phone, talking bout nothing at all."
You see, I was worrying sick when I heard from Hisham that she was with somebody else. Whats him name? Kamal Muzaffar.. I remember.. FYI, to not being able to see the one your talking and knowing she's with somebody else… worries you very much.. I heard that she was with Hisham and other guys were flirting with her.. Not in a bad way k. She was nice.. and she is still.
And then form 3, everything was good with her, she was I heard gossips with that and that. I really dont care. I really wanted her to be my girlfriend.
Then I was so tired calling her up. She calls me. I do realise that. Untill like it happened that I didn't call her for like 3 months. I was very tired calling her up. But she called like once. Every week I was waiting for her to call me up. You know to talk about stuff, which I dont really care. I really wanted to talk.
This was the turning point of my developed depression. I had no-one.
So I worked hard to balance between wanting her and getting away with her. That was the time I developed this bad heart pain whenever talking about her. And beleive me the pain was real. It is still present to this day. Whenever, people talked about girlfriends.. I would refused and I felt this heavy chest pain and burdensome feeling at this retrosternal midpoint of sternum. It is so real. This sakit hati.
Turn were geting worst for me, when I was admitting that I really like her. I remember of not able to sleep well for like 3-4 months admitting was it my fault that things have gotten so bad between us. To this day, 7 years after that I'm still wondering. Was my effort not counted?, was my being so inadequate? was I doing something wrong? I was terriby confused until I felt like killing my self.
Up to form 4, and form 5, I was refusing her being to as part of my life. We called, we write and we talked. We write letters and all, she was writing on pieces of papers of notes when was in a seminar or somthing, just to write to me. I was crying, please God is this the girl for me? I am suffering so much of pain and hardship. I dont care whetehr she is with somebody else or how, I just wanted to get away from her. I was so depressed and no-one was knowing. I changed a lot. I knew, things were not going to be right from then on.
She was thinking, I am with this girl Farhana. I was not. We had a terible fight with no solution and no compromise. It lasted 3 days .. Times were very bad..
I wish I hadn't knew this girls. She was so perfect for someone and yet she is a poison to that someone. Girls are girls.
So Nad, and I met again at Matric. Why would god test me? I thought after she had gone to UM and I was going to US things would then resolved between us. I was running away from Nad. She had haunted my being and my personality. I liked her but I hate her. I would die for her and I wanted her to be happy but I really dont waht to talk to her. I would like to see she is happy, but I would not want to be with her.
I was in a big mess.
And things got bad. I try to get things betterl. But it never worked. It never worked. That why's I hate my self. I know that things does not work the way I want it to be.
Now I'm in the third year.. finally things had settle.. 7 long years.. 8/4/2006 it had ended.. I wish it had ended earlier; I want to have her so bad, yet I'm afraid of the future that lies ahead.
I'm afraid of commitment. She said to me.. my rules are simple.. all or none! All or none! what the heck does that mean? Getting married without thinking and the future that lies. What.. that's not me. I dont know whether I'll try to get her back or how. I wanted to move on. I will move on.
It's painful. But that'w how the story goes. Girls, girls in my life. They are all poison.
Girls will always be girls..
p/s: hari yang murung.. terdengar suara yang riang..
Nad, If you are reading this I'm sorry. You know I am.