Khairulorama. Life and Work Notes.

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.. Are you out of your mind?? ..

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You mindless drone!

I ve been thinking lately that, may be I am out of my mind. I dont want to study, I dont want to do things, and I dont feel like myself.

I reassured myself that, I used to be the best of guys, I play stuff at schools, I went to the national this and that, but in the end it doesn’t really matter. I got such a powerful profile, but I am here stuck in a contract, working for the people so that I can live on with everybit of my dignity.

Sometimes what you really want isn’t the right thing for you after all.

I kept on thinking, that why did I put that, Medicine in the UPU form. I put it in the second choice.

The first choice was, Biomedical Engineering, I wanted at first to go into such high-tech medicine, tissue engineering, hybrid technologies, implants and devices, but I ended up doing medicine. I wanted to study in Universiti Malaya, and that is how I ended up doing Rehabilitation Medicine in UMMC.

I wanted to be the very best of everything, and I will sacrifice the last bit of myself into achieving it. The feeling of getting the UM Matric Card makes me feel proud that, I was there. UM ranked the first in Malaysia, and I wanted to be the best.

And now at the end of my MBBS, about 32 days I think, I have this guilt feeling of losing interest in the people. I love Internal Medicine, but Obstetric, I darned this subject very much. My foundations are not that strong, and my personality does not fit into this women-laden subject.

Again, I wish I had that joy of seeing, the day the letter from UPU came; “Permohonan anda telah diterima. Anda ditawarkan ke Kulliyyah of Medicine, untuk MBBS” Now, its empty.

I got several scholarships in my hand simulatenously, that time. I got the Petronas, TNB, MMU and several others scholarships. I was offered to study in the American Top Universities Programs, 10 most prestigious colleges. I was aiming at MIT, and Harvard. The offer latter is still with me. I was supposedly off to the States in about 2 weeks time.

Computer Engineering was always number one, I wanted to built articificial languages, hybrid intelligence, and formulate new mathematical languages, I wanted to be an inventor.

Why I like people call me WEB! because of that dream, that computer engineering dream. I wanted to get PhD as soon as possible, just like my dad.

I was a dreamer then. I want to lead the trend. I was dreaming to work in KLCC with Petronas paying me bigtime. Being a nice boss, having nice shoes, nice jackets, nice cars, and a nice 5-figure income. Rayban sunglasses, RM1000 cufflinks, and RM 600 pair of shoes.

But looking back my life here in Medicine, I only got one distinction, Psychiatry, when no friends understood it. I didnt get for Internal medicine. I ougta have it. And, I have nothing.

And now, in OnG, I got this two line comment in my first case write up, it reads something like this;

“When you were writing this piece of junk were you in the sound state of mind?”

Thats me, that subconcious unease of thoughts reflected in my case write up. I did not know I am feeling way down, that my writing gives out the impression that I am just another stupid mindless drone.

What really happened? I am still figuring it out.

But what do I have to do now?

I kept on saying to friends that, I want to live my dream. They laughed at me. “hehe” maniac.

Ok, we will look and see in 40 years time.

One day I want to tell the people, go to hell with OnG. I wanted to live off my dreams.


Written by M Khairul Z

March 17, 2008 at 3:24 pm

Posted in Medical Life

One Response

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